Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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