i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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