You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
We need a shit load of segways right now
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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