I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
