I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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