So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
