I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Randomize
