DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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