I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
