totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
