He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
