Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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