Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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