Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
