I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
