so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
