I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
