I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
