Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
