hotel room ftw
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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