she kept yelling 'call me bella'
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
