Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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