apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
