you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
