What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
