what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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