wrigley field is MILF paradise
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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