never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
