Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
