Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize