a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
