so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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