The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
