Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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