don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
