Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
