mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
