I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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