Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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