Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
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