I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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