Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
