He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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