we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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