his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize