So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
