sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
