i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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