I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
