Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
