dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
