you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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