Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
