Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
