Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
do herpes really smell.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
