Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
