I wish I could teleport
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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