In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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