I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
