And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Randomize
